just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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