Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
