I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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