i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
