Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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