genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
