Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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