i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
