I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
