Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
