In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
