The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
