someone threw a dead crab at me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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