The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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