maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
