if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
