Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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