respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
