and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
