i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
