Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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