You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
