saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
