My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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