The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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