I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want a musical about memes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
