i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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