So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
