omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
