No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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