I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
