I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
