We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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