Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
