I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
