when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize