Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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