Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
