Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
