I want to make a zoo with you.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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