I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
