i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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