I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
