bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
