I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All the doctor said was why
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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