I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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