It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize