Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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