i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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