So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
