If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
