I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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