Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
