I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
