My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
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