Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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