I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize