If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
