By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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