i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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