I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize