I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
