I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
