my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
