I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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